I’ve lost track of how many weeks that Maddie and I have been co-creating this journey of exploring sex, love, intimacy, and all the things juicy as well as mundane. We’re having fun and there’s no end in sight. Maddie is an amazing coach, writer, and so many other wonderful things that I recommend you explore her website, blog, and stalk her on social media.
If you’re new to the party, first off, where the hell have you been? And… Maddie and I are taking these topics and weighing in from our distinct, separate realities. Enjoy!
I credit one man with giving me a sexual voice. The relationship itself was a little fucked up and resided almost exclusively via text, but it was incredibly erotic even in the absence of physical touch. And maybe that’s why. In previous relationships I’d depended on the physical and not the verbal to express what I want. Really, I didn’t know what I want. Sex felt like being the new kid at yoga: surreptitious looking around to see what the fuck everyone else is doing so you don’t embarrass yourself. Pure social referencing. What I wanted was based almost solely on what my partner was willing to give me. Sexting changed that.
Maybe it’s because sexting requires a response. In real life you can use the, look something shiny over there, technique to distract from a question you don’t know the answer to. “What do you want me to do next?” DISTRACT. DISTRACT. Make moves towards a blowjob and the answer to that question: no longer relevant. But with sexting there’s no dick to grab in uncertainty, it’s just awkward white space.
Or maybe it’s because writing by practice demands that we fully articulate a thought. Each thought gets a subject, an action and a hard stop.”What do you want me to do next?” Well shit, I guess I want you to turn me over and put those fingers to good use.
Or maybe it’s because it gives us the anonymity and the lack of eye contact required to say things like dick and pussy and what we would like to happen to those things that are so uncomfortable to say in real life when haven’t ever said them out loud before. I am not required to respond in real time to a sext. It gives a girl a moment. To imagine. To fantasize. And then to articulate. And to delete it if that shit doesn’t feel right.
Sexting allows us to edit and to experiment until we find a voice and a language around our desire that fits us. It’s dirty talk with a seatbelt. All the fun, less of the danger.
I have a confession… I’m an active, adamant sexter. And I believe this should be a part of every intimate relationship. I’ll also admit that if my partner doesn’t enjoy sexting or exploring that with me I return them for a refund or exchange them for a different model.
There are all sorts of avenues for communication and when I’ve got something important (sexually based) to say then I always find the avenue that works and get those thoughts off my chest and out into the digital world.
I love the anticipation… the waiting… the curiosity of what my co pilot on the sexting ride is going to say next, I’m very much into foreplay, whether it’s minutes before the actual act begins or it’s days. I like building up the excitement for as long as possible. I’m a firm believer in foreplay beginning immediately after intercourse ends.
Sexting in a intermediary space where I can rub up against my fantasies and play with desire. I can be courageous, take a little bit bigger risks, and try things on that I haven’t yet. Or… it can be my “go-to” that I dispense to create that juicy anticipation in expectation of one off my greatest hits playlist.
Where you go from there is something we’ll discuss more in the next week or so…