Maddie Berky, a brilliant life coach and friend, and I are collaborating again this week about love and sex. We continue to unpack these delicious, complicated interactions, but also give voice to the male and the female perspective.
Today: sex, performance, and pleasure.
Maddie says, What makes a man good in bed?
That he makes me feel safe.
There are other things that help. Does he give good (or any) head. The negative of that one is a HUGE red flag. Sort of like that study that says the more easily you yawn in the presence of another human, the more empathetic you are: what does one do in the presence of getting head…Does he make me laugh. Is he intimately familiar with the notion of foreplay. Does he take his time. Does he play with the power dynamic inherent to being in bed with someone without making me feel demeaned. Is he not an asshole about putting on a condom. Is he in his body so he can allow me to be in mine.
I’ve had sex with beautiful men with perfectly sized penises who are afraid. Who make me feel like I have something to prove. That I’m lucky to be in bed with them. That putting on a condom robs them of pleasure. A great dick, rock hard abs, and sweet moves does not a lover make. It’s so much simpler than that. So much kinder.
Do I feel safe? That for me changes everything. It gives me permission to be vulnerable. To let go because I know he can catch me.
Here’s my perspective, And what makes a woman good in bed?
What a truly intriguing question that makes my mind go all over the place! The first thing needed in order to be good in bed is the fact that it’s even a thought. Am I good in bed and do I care? From there, being considerate, to think about me and what are my particular needs, preferences, and specifics. And at the same time, I don’t want them to turn into a total mental case frantic and worried about what’s going on for me so much that they’re unable to lose themselves in the experience. I believe it requires a balance of that. Sex is such a paradox. It’s so many things all at once… in harmony. And it’s relative because depending on my mood I’ll want something totally different.
I don’t hold the market on proficiency in sex but here’s my take on what makes a woman good in bed:
Knowledge of what they want and what they don’t want.
Ability to communicate said preferences.
Generous… and selfish.
Sensitive and empathetic.
Creative and artistic.
Willingness to exert a certain amount of effort.
Adventuresome, and that’s probably the most important trait!
Our society provides most of us with so much baggage around both our bodies and sexuality and I fall into that category. Being good in bed requires having sifted through most of that to understand how it might limit us and/or create certain proclivities. Like I said last week, I have fantasies that I shame myself for having. Being good in bed to me is the same as what Maddie says, I need to feel safe enough in order to be vulnerable, share those fantasies, and then figure out how to enact them together, in a healthy way.
Maddie seems like the adventuresome type. Are you?