I usually struggle with blog posts where I share deeper things about myself. Frankly, I’m afraid. Certain parts of me are averse to really being known. This is human. Sound familiar? What I often say to myself when I’m experiencing that is,”Share! Share, so others who feel the same thing can feel seen and heard.””You’re not alone and if other’s can have you put words to their experience we can be together.”
I’ve lost enough in my life to be aware of what’s important to me. I’ve fucked off and been destructive with people in my life. I’ve been reckless and when I didn’t know what to say or do I’ve defaulted to disconnection. I’ve massaged my thoughts and reality to make certain things okay so I didn’t have to be intimate, vulnerable, and face being uncomfortable or awkward. I fucking hate feeling awkward. I’m the cool guy, the one who has it all together. I’ve been the one at fault in the termination of relationships because I was stuck in my ego and/or unable to admit I was wrong. I blamed everyone else and was numb… for a while. It took a long time but I refused to live that way and faced the truth about what was really going on with me.
Time is important. We can never get it back. We really don’t get any do overs. It’s finite and the trouble is we almost always perceive that we have more than we actually do. It is our most valuable resource. The time to start anything that’s important is now!
My Dad died recently. It was/is painful. He was generous, gentle, caring, and served those he loved. I benefited from his tireless effort to provide me with opportunities. Some I took advantage of and some I was too unconscious or stupid to recognize. His belief in me and unconditional love is staggering. I’m not sure I’ll ever reach the capacity that he operated at but he provided an admirable model that I get to strive for.
Throughout my Dad’s decline in health there were times I struggled to move towards the discomfort of connecting with him. I wouldn’t know what to say or how I was supposed to act. I struggled to surrender to the idea that I couldn’t fix the situation. I had to arrive at the place that there was nothing to fix and that life works the way it works.
I knew that I wanted to take advantage of being in the experience, no matter what that was, as much as possible. I knew that I didn’t want to question if I could have or should have done more. Like anything that’s created, born, and becomes grand or immense, it requires time, small contributions and efforts made to expand the capacity and scope of the organism whether it be a company, wealth, empire, or love. It’s going to take time.
Life is about pain. Grief and death are special kinds of pain that have taught me more about life and love that anything else ever has. Love/connection is a marathon so start training now or keep training if you already are so you’re prepared for race day. One of the main ways I’ve expanded my capacity to be present, show up, keep my heart open is to train for it. I’ve systematically placed myself in situations that demanded expansion where I refused to close down. There’s a special link between what happens in my body physically and how I feel emotionally. I’ve reverse engineered, reengineered, and examined the pathway to scratch the surface of what’s possible to learn about when physical pain becomes emotional pain and emotional pain becomes physical pain.
Love fully, live fully.