Can I get abandonment for a thousand Alex? This is a conversation on connection and intimacy and the loss or lack of connection in the flavor of abandonment.
I believe we all are prepared, in some way, for the impending zombie apocalypse. The zombie apocalypse is one of my favorite ways to describe this dynamic that many participate in. If you know anything about the zombie apocalypse you know that you need to be prepared because it could happen at any time. Be ready. Have a plan. You must survive!
Emergency response teams have what’s called a jump bag. Firefighters are in a state of constant readiness; boots placed and prepared, keys in the ignition of the fire truck that’s pointed nose out, helmets in a specific place for a fast getaway.
Still not making sense? Hear me out, we’ve all had one foot out the door in our jobs, yep, our relationships too, and even our connection to ourselves. Our systems for managing risk and danger are simply amazing, often simple, and sometimes painfully stupid. Archaic even, since they rest in the reptile part of the brain.
One of the handful of core wounds we face as children is abandonment. Who am i kidding this is throughout any and all ages throughout our lives. For some though their significant childhood wound is abandonment and I think we all experience it to some degree. Whether it be through death, loss of a significant connection, an unhealthy living environment, it shows up in many shapes and forms.
So most of us feel some level of abandonment throughout our lives and still feel it on a day to day basis today. I think the reason we all feel so intensely about abandonment is because we all desperately want to belong. So the idea that we may be fired from our job, left by an intimate partner, or a key figure in our lives possibly dying has us constantly in some state of preparedness for one of our ultimate wounds being triggered.
This brings me to “preemptive strike”, which is the whole nugget here. I see this time and time again. And… I’ve done it. We suspect we’re going to be abandoned so we sabotage things and create the disconnection so that we sever our attachment to something on our own terms before it can happed to us.
Yep, things get scary and we grab the jump bag and bolt for the door like it’s the zombie apocalypse. We pull the rip cord and try to make it stop. Make that fear of abandonment go the fuck away. We become distant and we put our attention elsewhere, bury ourselves in work, and do all sorts of games and tactics to sever the connection thats providing that potential for pain.
The opportunity;
How old is the entity that feels/fears abandonment in you?
What were the experiences earlier in life where that came from?
What do you gain from pulling the rip cord?
What do you lose from pulling the rip cord?
What will you do different from pulling the rip cord?