As we all start our decent in 2020 I’ve been reviewing what I’ve done well this year, what my successes have been, and where I’ve failed. At this time in my life I do see how important it is to mark my achievements but the real juicy stuff is where I didn’t do what I set out to.
One thing I’ve been digging deeply into in the last few years has been to learn and gain a deep understanding of my identity as a victim. Last week I talked about who we put in charge that is the wrong person for the job. This is one of those entities in me.
Poor me. The world is out to get me. Why can’t I ever catch a break… yada yada, bullshit.
For a good part of my life that state of being would hijack me and time after time I found myself powerless to create the outcomes I wanted to.
When I started to look that part of me directly in the face I started to gain more and more personal power. What has run parallel with that power has been taking responsibility for everything in my life. When I stopped blaming others and owning that I am the cause of 99.9% of everything in my life I clearly identified that it was a matter of the choices I make. Depending on who’s running the show I can create a completely different life.
One part of me is helplessness, hopelessness, and out of control. This part of me is committed to staying asleep and being confused about why my life is not going the way I want it to. Being unclear of the outcomes of my life means I need to look at where I compromise. Because I compromise plenty. I stick my fingers in my ears, close my eyes, and la la la la la my way to acting like it isn’t me. All the while I’m just having the victim part of me run the show, make my decisions for me, and create negative outcomes. How did this happens… again?
Another important component in all of this is the denial. I have to stop denying how much I just love to feel disappointment, humiliation, powerlessness, and sadness. Those energies actually feed me and fuel me and the truth is that they’ve been some of my favorite sensations for a good part of my life.
The other side of the coin is that we all want to be able to exert effort and will and shape our lives. We want to create outcomes that benefit ourselves and the people in our lives that we want to. A life where I share my gifts, serve the world, create safety where it’s good to create safety, and confrontation where that’s needed too.
I’ve learned how to not set myself up to fail so I can beat the shit out of myself much these days. I don’t make bad agreements with what I want to accomplish and stretch myself in ways that are reasonable and relevant. When I’m setting out to do something nowadays clarity is the key. For me this is warrior work. Do what I tell myself and others I’m going to do. The me part being super important here.
For 2020, I’ve failed in many areas, some of those failures will be my work for 2021. The failures are rooted in my lack of believing in myself and sabotaging my impact to make the world a better place. I feel obligated to keep honing the blade to sharpen it so it cuts clean to trim the fat where it’s needed.
From the place of telling yourself the truth about your failures and best effort, what needs to be put on your plate to do in 2021 with a better plan? Personal? Professional? Spiritual?
What goal needs to be abandoned in 2021?
Thanks for your time, have a great day!