A book so good I’m doing a review to share with you.
I’ve recently read a book that has provided a ton of context around sex and sexuality. The insights are fantastic. The book is called “Your Brain on Sex” by Stanley Siegel.
The author had been a therapist in New York City for thirty five years and throughout his career worked with countless individuals from a wide variety of backgrounds, preferences and identities. So, it’s probably right for you too.
When I lead weekend workshops and throughout my private practice I, myself, and ask people to lean into their discomfort. Society provides tutelage helping us to decide what’s taboo and what we can “normally” talk about. We just don’t talk about certain things and sex is one of them.
Money, god, politics, sex, death and others are all on the list.
What we do when we don’t talk about it is in many cases we neglect to form good relationships with the topic/subject and we unconsciously act out.
Like money, how do we connect around money? How do we talk about it? The shortcomings or how do we talk about the fact that we have gobs of it? I’ve done my dance with neglect around money. I’ve shied away from having a deep, intimate relationship around my finances. Ambiguity was the name of the game. You get the picture?
This isn’t about money though, this is about sex. The same behaviors translate here as well. We all too often don’t talk about it or investigate the finite things that make us tick around the subject. Shame is widespread and again here reduces communication about it.
So here’s the deal; our fantasies, preferences, desires, and chemistry all can teach us something about ourselves. Stanley Siegel explains that throughout our lives we use pleasure as an antidote to compensate for uncomfortable or painful experiences. When we start forming our sexuality we eroticize things in order to create a certain reality and attempt to make things feel right.
An example is when a childhood was generally unstable and out of control an individual may sexualize control and play that out in fantasies. Stanley Siegel also discusses the healing qualities that occur when we discover the root of our fantasies and ACT THEM OUT. Hm…
If you want to know more about it get in touch with me.