People often use and view boundaries or barriers or hurdles in different ways. Some people experience a boundary and interpret it as attempted control. Some people won’t assert boundaries for fear of losing connection.
On the other hand, some people only give their love in exchange for something. Sometimes we call this withholding. “You only get my love or attention if you’ll do this thing for me.”
Where do your relationship fall in that spectrum? Where in that spectrum do you believe healthy relationships lie?
Some of you reading this are very lucky. In your partnerships, marriages, or relationships you are aligned for the most part. If that is the case, bravo. Go spread love in the world.
If you are with the majority and experience regular conflict and misalignment, then your adapted behaviors will show up in order to persuade, convince, or manipulate to get what you want and need.
Here comes story time, are you ready?
I have a friend who is in her mid-thirties and lives a responsible, healthy lifestyle. Her family has always been very frugal and has raised her to follow the same set of financial rules. However, sometimes she sees benefit in spending money in a way that brings value, joy, and beauty to her life, but is not in alignment with her family’s belief system. No big deal, right?
Well if she shares her financial decision with her family, they come down on her hard. Lots of unsolicited, very disappointed admonishing. And if she stands up for herself they stop talking to her. A rupture is created.
This sends their intended message that she is only lovable if she lives in alignment with their belief system. Sound familiar?
We all should be spending time deciding what value, joy, beauty, and peace look like to us. And creating boundaries that support us moving closer to that ideal. There will likely be resistance along the way because many people want us to do what is good for them. And change is a scary beast. But that’s okay. Do it anyway.
The Opportunity:
Where and with whom is your love conditional?
With whom could you handle to have more clear boundaries?
What specific steps can you take over the next week? month? to work toward more healthy boundaries?
Thanks for your time, have a great day!