Today we are going to spend some time examining when things go wrong. What does it look like in your relationships when something goes awry? Is there an explosion? Is there a withdrawal of love? Does everyone just ignore it to avoid conflict? I see all of these in the conversations I have with clients every day. I also see them in my own relationships.
Here’s an example. I have a client (and this is all of us sometimes) that loves to blame other people when things go wrong. It is always someone else’s fault. What does that get him? He gets to shift the blame. Not take ownership of what is happening to him. Not feel guilty for the consequences.
We all have our own ways of dealing with the unexpected or the unplanned. But it doesn’t really work the way we want it to. Often this includes some pretty destructive self-blame and the shame spiral that comes with it.
One way to level up in our relationships (with others and ourselves) is to continue working toward a healthier approach to these situations that leads us to greater intimacy and connection. Does blame or shame lead us to greater intimacy and connection? I argue that it does not.
What could it look like to evaluate and communicate about a situation without attaching blame to it, without needing to shame someone else to feel better. What could it look like to own our own fault to people we care about without fear of being shamed or rejected? What could it look like for someone to feel safe enough with us for them to be able to own their fault without fear of us shaming or rejecting them? This would be a real game changer.
We could all be responsible for our own experience of life and the power that comes with that is huge!
Here are the parts of this that are mine.
Here is what I can do about them to create more love, trust, connection, intimacy, ___________.
I see you for who you are, amazing, beautiful, and challenging. And I accept you.
You see me for who I am. Amazing, beautiful, and challenging. And you accept me.
The Opportunity:
Who is your favorite person to blame when things go wrong? (This may be you?)
What would it take to work toward a relationship with them that was made better by letting go of blame?
How would you start that conversation with them to achieve greater intimacy?
Thanks for your time, have a great day!