Here’s another week of collaboration with Maddie Berky, coach, sexter, friend, writer, and total badass.
Maddie say,”Nothing is less fun than an unprompted dick pic. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good prompted dick pic, be it in the middle of a sexy conversation or within a relationship under the caption of “thinking of you.” I am a champion of dicks showing up on my screen when warranted. My favorite dick pic ever was from a hipster I was dating. He was halfsies hard, made excellent use of composition, and his face was actually in the shot. I was charmed. My least favorite wasn’t even full frontal. I think he still had his pants on, but it felt dirty and thrown at me. We no longer had that kind of relationship and when I said so he prude shamed me.
Our phones create a whole other world in which to be intimate. But they also create a whole other world in which to be inappropriate.
There is an anonymity inherent in texting, even when we know the person. There’s a degree of separation that can both give us permission to have conversations and explore fantasies that are hard to face to face – great, love that – as well as push boundaries and ignore consent that would feel more overtly wrong in person. Perhaps the cliche version of this is that Tinder guy, who if you have a vagina and are interested in men and have spent anytime on online platforms, you know. “Great titties. Want to come over and fuck?” No. No I do not. Not only do I feel objectified in an un-fun way without my consent, this motherfucker hasn’t earned the right to be intimate with me.
Saying, “go fuck yourself” to said man in whatever way feels right doesn’t mean that I’m prude and that I don’t want any man to fuck me while enjoying my amazing titties, it just means that I deserve the right to be part of the conversation. That this isn’t a one way ticket to his desire. That sexting, just like any sort of sexual or intimate encounter, needs to follow the same outline of mutual respect, consent, and then play.
Intimacy is always earned. Typing and distance doesn’t change that.
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And I say,”I don’t believe trust, intimacy, and entrance into the inner sanctum of ourselves or another should be immediately granted. No, that would be foolish but I’ve done it. Actually, that entrance is earned and… it should be. Through time, through experiences, and through testing by a systemized process, that’s either conscious or unconscious, we gain that right.
Gain the right to what?
To blend our reality with another. My reality reflects me, my wants, my thoughts, it is me. Sharing all of that with another is what intimacy is. We gain the right to intimacy.
I need to prove that I can be trusted to keep a loose but appropriate harmony on what I want and what my intimate partner wants. Because of its me, me, me all the time, guess what? And if it’s you, you, you… same thing, imbalance and eventually dysfunction. Fuck that.
I’ll admit I’ve missed the mark. Yeah, I’ve lost my place because I was unconscious and concerned with what I wanted and what I wanted alone. This is the sure fire way to be self oriented and seek to only or mostly be into what I want and when. Sounds great, right?
I’m forty years old and after this many trips around the sun I’ve actually learned a thing or two… gaining gratification and fulfillment is not a one way street or a two way street, I think it’s more like a roundabout. Like the one in Paris going around the Arc de Triomphe de l’Étoile. Lots of lanes, nice and tricky getting in and out. What I mean by this is, it’s a loop you want to get stuck in and go a few laps.
Sexting happens much in the same way. It takes care to get through that threshold and into the mix and then it requires paying attention and keeping your shit together while you’re there. And while you’re there, Damn, is it exciting!
Here’s the deal, we generally give what we want to get. In love, often in gifts, and guess what… in sexting. So that’s why guys send dick pics. They do that because they give freely what would really turn them on to receive. Ladies and gentlemen, this is general so don’t hang me, it’s an example to illustrate the way we go unconscious and lose ourselves in what we want to give based on what we want rather than giving what our partner(s) wants because that’s what they’ve communicated.