Yep, you have unconscious drivers that cause you to drift off and lose touch with the ones you love. You go to sleep and wake up with an abyss between you and your partner(s). There are many reasons why: like fear of rejection, fear of being used, losing control, or the good ole-I’m not lovable so let me just fuck this up so I don’t prolong the inevitable…
Is it something else… dig deep what’s down in there?
Maybe this isn’t you and it’s someone you love? That seemingly distant person in your life that’s hard to connect with and even harder to keep from wandering off into that emotional drought of unavailability.
I’m sure there are plenty of excuses or other rationalizations as to why you connect at the levels of intimacy that you do but could you be living more fully by going deeper?
This can be any gender but especially so in people who identify as male. Depending on how you like to roll in a relationship this drives us or our partners crazy. Is it because you’re afraid of commitment? Or is it the intimacy? Plenty can be committed for years, even decades but avoid the deeper levels of intimacy. If tolerated, it will continue for as long as the other will allow and for the relationship to last both partners have to co-sign on this deal.
These “avoiders” will feel like their partners are clingy, nosy, or a bother. “Why can’t they just let me have my own life?” While the other thinks,”I have no idea what’s going on inside them. Do they even want to be with me?”
It takes a secure person to hold space in a relationship when a partner is going through a time where they have less energy, are going through some level of depression, or they’re just terrified to truly be seen and heard. It can be done for certain periods of time but living this way indefinitely may not work. Long term avoiders of intimacy may find themselves either bouncing from relationship to relationship or settle into a long term relationship that’s distant and shallow.
We all want to seen, heard, and valued but for plenty of us it can feel downright foreign and weird. After spending the majority of one’s life truly believing we’re unlovable and worthless to get attention is counter to something deep inside us. That’s the tension we feel.
Maybe you’ve picked a lot of shitty partners in the past who didn’t deserve your deepest vulnerabilities? Or you currently have a partner like this which is a whole other problem. What I’m more interested in is helping you access that place deep inside where you know that you’re with someone who deserves access to your heart and soul.
The secret key to this is open communication after deeply examining what we’re doing and why and for the other partner to listen, patiently and using healthy methods of asking for what they need without the guilt trips or mind games. (psychic warfare is one of my favorites)
The opportunity:
What’s stopping you from opening up?
An even better question is what will it for you open up?
What is the current cost of not opening your heart to those you love and what will be the ultimate cost in the long run?
Thanks for your time, have a great day.