Belonging is one of the earliest questions that we beings have ingrained in us. “Is there a place for me?” I don’t want to be accused of tricking you so I share early on that in this post we’re also talking about shame, the belief that we don’t fit in, there isn’t a place for us and that in order to be accepted we need to hide our deeper, authentic selves.
What could be more powerful than societies use of belonging or excluding? We use this to hurt ourselves and others often. Take a moment to think about that.
Throughout the formation of our consciousness and ego we learn to behave and make choices based off getting needs met in all sorts of ways. The ways I’m referring to today are the ones that require the interface with fellow humans. I believe this is universal, we all have some dynamic that we’ve formed around this concept.
One concept is based around fitting in. Some become slaves to the concept of needing others to accept them and lose all or the majority of their ability to make decisions based off the deeper knowing of what they truly need. It would seem that others are given the power to dictate what someone does so that they fit in and belong.
Some adopt a concept of denying that they need anyone at all. One way I know of that someone will try to game the system is to behave or act as if they don’t need anyone, they can do it all by themselves or just flat out don’t care. Try this one…”No one likes me anyways so I should just plan to be alone and do what I want.”
I believe this is one of the basis for our deep visceral need of community or a tribe. It’s one of the reasons when an individual grows up with fractured family and community environments that dysfunction often occurs. This makes sense of why some adopt an attitude of refusal to connect to the system at large.
Transparency alert!!!
As someone who grew up in fractured community/family and other reasons I fell into the “fuck them, I don’t need them”, “they’ll never like me so why try to be liked” category for good part of my life. I can tell you, it’s a protective mechanism and I know there are ways to find community, connection and love but it will require risk and courage.
As I’ve moved towards my own greater potential and helped others I’ve come to understand that connection is what enables possibility. It’s not magic but the use of connection to facilitate our beautiful human nature of giving, receiving and helping each other that I implore that we continue to seek and embody.