I ran from pain for a lot of my life. Not physical pain, of course. I had to subject myself to physical pain on a regular basis so that I could build my armor. I did this with the intent to end up not feeling at all. A campaign of numbness. Helpful, really, but not very useful in being a full spectrum human.
I had this notion that if I ever touched the grief that was contained inside me it would swallow me up and I’d never get back out of that abyss. I feared that I’d end up depressed, suicidal, scared, broken down, unable to function, etc etc… you know what I mean…
I’d experienced people dying in my life-my aunt and grandfather from my Dad’s family, my grandmother, then an aunt and uncle on my Mom’s side. And there were other deaths too… I also got divorced after I screwed up in my marriage. At every opportunity I managed to escape the tsunami of grief that came for me after the rumblings that occurred deep under the water’s surface producing massive waves.
Waves that washed away many things in my life but I ignored them and “stayed busy”, numbed out, and successfully repressed a powerful part of my human experience.
Almost ten years ago exactly that tsunami swallowed me up. I simply couldn’t outrun it. Could no longer use my tactics to do what I’d always done. At the end of one of the most powerful eras of my life it was a tremendous blessing.
So, I’ve seriously been doing a dance with grief for about ten years now. Instigated by the death of my brother, then one of our dogs, my Dad, and now this week another one of our dogs.
Each time a different experience. Each time an opportunity to choose to be closer to the appreciation I have for life and existence. Each time showing me that one of my highest priorities is how I spend my time and who I spend it with. Am I doing with my time that which is truly important to me?
Am I wasting precious life force and soul dollars losing myself in bullshit like my ego? The most serious folly of that sort being to worry about what the world thinks of me.
More to come…
Thanks for your time, have a great day!