The important things we want in life are going to involve other people. From love, to money, to time, acceptance, and belonging. Even being alone (autonomy) will require other people because the ability to afford space and aloneness will probably needs others in some other part of your life to get you there.
There are a couple different systems that I’m overlaying here to paint this picture but first some down and dirty facts; we all want love and to belong. This is inarguable although at times in our lives where we don’t and that’s pretty much always because we’ve been hurt and didn’t feel loved or like we belonged resulting in an association being made with pain and suffering to love and belonging. Our risk threshold lowers to mitigate future pain. This might be you?
Because of our need to be loved, to love, and to feel like we have a tribe, community, and ultimately to belong we’ve developed complex attachment systems throughout our lives so that we come with strategies to get our needs met. One is to act like we don’t want love or to belong but… that’s just a game. We’re still hardwired from the reptile part of our brain which causes us to chase what moves away from us and has us wanting what we can’t have. This is where the distancer/pursuer model of connection comes in. One person creates distance and the other pursues to close the gap. The one creating the distance gets to feel wanted, needed, aloof, and protected. They actually don’t have to be vulnerable and own their desire for the other person. The person pursuing engages from a place of anxiety and proving. “You’ll see my love through the effort I put forth and then you’ll love me back.” Distance comes in many forms from ghosting, getting lost in work, making promises that aren’t kept, etc etc.
The unhealthy game of proving ones self is a nasty little cousin to shame. If I work hard enough, jump through enough hoops, go above and beyond, I’ll be loved back. This is actually the antithesis of belonging and being loved. Belonging is way better experienced by not going above and beyond, but by simply giving what you have to give and that being enough.
What I see happen time and time again as a first step in how we manage the interface created in relationships is that we become aware of our games and get really clear about how our minds work. The games are complex and convoluted. Awareness can come sometimes with elegance and be gentle or it can be hard edged and assertive. Sometimes… it’s a slap in the face and a fuck you. We need to call ourselves out and others out in our lives so that we create a tension. That tension brings the energy needed to precipitate learning, growth, and change.
Awareness is good but it doesn’t actually solve the problem. We still can just simply say,”I’m sorry” “That was rude” but then just stay the same and expect the person to keep tolerating the lack of vulnerability, playing it safe, and continuing to create a gap in the relationship. We’ve likely all felt this… on both sides. We have problems but we don’t actually change them. Our systems are familiar and we settle for the certainty of familiar rather than the wild wilderness of risk and change. I love the saying-The best apology is a change in behavior. Actually changing behavior will require a commitment as powerful as the shadow that keeps perpetuating the negative way of connecting.
Commitment is grown ass work. Discipline to stay on top of the discoveries and then to tell ourselves the truth is not easy. I believe that’s why we often choose to go back to sleep and stay the same. If a person hasn’t built the intimacy with themselves to see where they just want to escape from tension and avoid discomfort is will be nearly impossible to change. Commitment is the thing that helps us follow through on something we say we want long after the passion is gone when we made the commitment. The passion will fade, the motivation will diminish, and our willpower has limitations.
The opportunity:
Where do you sabotage your connections?
Why do you sabotage your connections?
What are you going to do to stop sabotaging your connections?
Thanks for your time, have a great day!