I’m a pretty healthy person. At least that’s what I’d thought. I started to question that. What does it mean to have a strong immune system? What causes it to be weak? Things I’d never thought about but happy to have the opportunity to since the blessing of covid19 has brought it into my consciousness.
In the last couple months I’ve been isolating like most of the rest of the world. With the unknown about covid19 I’ve judged it to be the safer bet to protect myself to reduce the amount of exposure and possible danger of sickness or death.
As I’ve been on the countless zoom, facetime, and voice calls that likely we’ve been on, nothing has changed for me there. I’ve been working that way full time for almost a year now and I prefer it that way. Actually, I love it.
What has changed, if at all, are some of the social apects of my life. I haven’t ever gone out to eat much but I do, I don’t have many friends that I hang out with, and I don’t thrive in group gatherings. I like going to coffee in the mornings. (Anyone who knows me well knows I love coffee.) Now I’m not doing any of these things at all. I don’t missed it. I’ve perfected making cappuccinos at home. I don’t miss going out to eat or any of those other things.
I love my routines and they’ve shifted. I feel that and I can be malleable. At this point I now have new routines. I mean, it’s been eight weeks and new habits form in about that amount of time. And now I’m becoming attached to chilling at home, reduced expectations for socializing, and being even more self sufficient in several areas. So as we start looking at opening our worlds back up, I’ve realized even more just how cozy I am, how comfortable this is for me and how I’ve been thriving in isolation.
“Reopening” the world or whatever that means has provoked something deeper in me…
I’m used to isolation and even hiding out. I did it to protect myself for most of my life. I’ve hidden my pain, my shame, my beauty, I’ve hid it all. Hiding for me is the opposite of vulnerability. I feel more and more in my life that I’m a fairly normal human and experience things as most of us do. Protect ourselves, don’t be vulnerable, and detach, disconnect, and isolate. I’ve been disappointed with my life at times. I have plenty of responsibility to take as well as being the recipient of injustice, malice, and… people just being humans and perpetuating fucked up stuff.
So what has always been my respite was hiding and isolation. I could be safe in isolation. If you look at the definition of “hide” most all versions are a good fit.
* to put out of sight
* to conceal for shelter or protection
* to keep secret
* to screen as if from view
* to turn (the eyes or face) away in shame or anger
* to remain out of sight
* to seek protection or evade responsibility
Try those on for a second, I’m gonna bet that you’re in the same camp as me. Many do this to even greater extents than I have.
I’ve worked hard to lessen the automatic, unconscious tendencies to hide and isolate. Like changing anything it requires risk, uncertainty, and possibly failure. And courage, fuck… probably more than a dash of that.
I get the value of being quiet. I love it. I cherish the quiet moments I can create and protect in my day and life. For me, it’s required in order to call myself or anyone successful. If you can’t spend ten minutes a day sitting still and being quiet you have a long ways to go. If the world can’t get by without you for that time, both the world and you are in big trouble.
The other side of the coin is that you need to be heard. Your voice, your presence, and input is needed and wanted to shape the world in a way that you want live in it. You’re not doing that when you’re hiding.
So yeah, there’s hiding and isolation, there’s quiet and there’s you emerging in life and the world that completes the fullness of the spectrum of what it means to live.
Only you know where your growing edge is in all that. And I’ll assume that you’re like me and most other humans and you need to have some level of encouragement to wake back up and assess what the best thing is for you in this time.
This is that nudge. This is that wake up. I’ll say thank you now for the nudge and wake up you or someone else will provide me at some point too.
The opportunity:
- Where are you hiding in life?
- Who are you hiding from?
- What is the cost of that hiding?
- Do you need some quiet isolation to heal and reflect right now?
Thanks for your time, have a great day!