We say that the bitter taste of holding a grudge is horrible but most of us absolutely love it.
As I’ve been looking at the phenomenon of victimhood deeper and deeper I’ve become intimate with it’s copilot-resentment. This goes along with other facets that make up a network to create negative interpersonal interactions. Violations, powerlessness, anger, victimhood, and yes, of course, resentment.
I was taught that when something happens to me, at times, it was because I was being singled out… unfairly. Oh yeah, we couldn’t have a good party without indignation too. I’m a big believer in blame and making someone or something wrong. I mean, someone has to be accountable, right?
All of this works by jumping to conclusions and seeking to be right. The benefit of all this is that I get to give my power away, be irresponsible, and lash out in anger at the world. Yeah, the world has violated me too. This all has me operate at a certain frequency that’s familiar and cozy but fucked.
One of my favorite examples of this has been holding a grudge against someone who’s actually dead. It’s nuts.
I was talking to a friend again recently who posed the idea of forgiveness weeks ago. Forgiving others but also forgiving myself. So in my investigation of this whole framework of energies and dynamics I see in myself and how many others want to hold onto things that are like hot coals burning our hands.
These hot coals that I pick up to throw at others as a weapon burns me as I pick them up and burn me more and more severely the longer I hold onto them. I’ve got some pretty burned up hands.
Why is it so challenging to let go of something that is not good for me? The answer I’m arriving at is my attachment to the negativity and my inability to surrender and take responsibility of my life and my world. And to venture into the unknown world of peace and ease.
Maybe you’re like me and you want to have it your way? You want to be right and you want others to see things they way you do and you want them to be the way you are. What I’m learning… good fucking luck with that. I can ruin my peace in a nanosecond and keep it that way for as long as I want if I don’t choose to let go.
The opportunity:
Who do you resent?
What do you get out of holding onto something that’s painful?
What will it take for you to forgive?
Thanks for your time, have a great day!