I manage and control my tendencies towards emotional instability with exercise, food and meditation. I denied the reality that I struggled with having a stable mood, being happy and positive. When I finally admitted what was happening I could find solutions to what was troubling me.
There was a time that I was depressed and couldn’t get myself to get out of bed. One time, mainly, for about six weeks. It was after I separated from my ex wife and I was living alone. I was grief stricken for obvious reasons but I also had an accumulation of sadness and failures that added up. It was maybe the first time I’d ever admitted to the extent that I had that I was responsible for the outcome of my life and reality.
I had no idea how to communicate. I had no idea what my needs were or how to articulate them. I didn’t even know the extent of my wounds or how they affected my everyday life. Not my everyday life…every moment of my life. I was in constant judgment of others and deeper down, myself.
I was mostly living through my ego. Everything around me is what defined me. I learned and accepted that from my environment and socialization.
I struggled with ownership and recognizing my mistakes. I blamed others for the negative outcomes of my life. I was unconscious to all this and I was powerless. Since I blamed everyone for my life, everyone dictated my life and it was out of my control.
Eventually, I took an honest inventory of myself, who I was, who I wasn’t and why I was doing what I was doing. Through healthy control of certain things in my life I was successful in stabilizing myself and creating certainty in my reality. I’ve done so to the extent that I have dependable, reliable outcomes that I’ve laid a solid foundation for.
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