I’ve said over and over that one of our needs as a human is to connect. And to connect ever deeper is where we find love.
There are many forms of love and intimacy and I’ll let you extrapolate where you need to and what you can with these concepts. My effort is to share thoughts and describe the framework. Whether it be sexual, emotional, spiritual, or otherwise I’m believe the markers are similar.
I think that intimacy is built over time whether it be fast or slow, units of times with multiple cycles or experiences are necessary. The more time goes by the potential for deeper intimacy is possible.
Safety is a loaded term and quite possibly just an illusion but nonetheless an important factor when it comes to intimacy since most people won’t be vulnerable without some sense of safety and some won’t be vulnerable no matter how safe they are. No matter what. Take note of this because this is an important thing that I plan to go into later.
Communication is also a factor since sharing and dialogue are major contributors to intimacy.
Vulnerability is the next step in the process in developing intimacy. It’s the disclosure part of the dynamic. It’s the actual communication of deeper or inner thoughts or private or secret things about ourselves. Depending on the reactions of another or others we know whether we’ll be met with honor, dignity, and/or confidence. Trust in the other persons reactions being managed and functionally processed play a role here.
So it goes like this: when people feel safe to share deeper parts of their thoughts and lives, especially shameful or uncomfortable parts they’re creating an opening to see how they’ll be met with what they share. It might be a significant trauma from earlier in life. It might be a sexual fantasy that they shame themselves for thinking or having. It could be negative thoughts about themselves, you, or someone else. Etc. Etc.
I’ll told you I’d come back to this and here we go. I touched on this before when I talked about our aversion to discomfort and how that was an obstacle to creating deeper connections with important people in our lives.
An important part of relationships is growing and deepening together. A relationship will struggle to thrive without certain levels of intimacy and at the same time most of us experience intimacy and love as the most terrifying thing we can ever experience. Get present with this.
So what do we do… we sabotage it and fuck it up with sophisticated sleight of hand tricks that play out without us knowing it or seeing it. We deflect, we hide, we manipulate perceptions to create versions of ourselves and reality that we think are safer versions that others will accept and love. Where do you do this?
The good news is that it works pretty well up to a certain level and the bad news is that it inhibits us from complete fulfillment since we’re limiting our risk of being totally know and then being accepted and loved for who we really are. The good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugliness. What are you not sharing?
Keep in mind that this is a reciprocating model that is both given and received. First find someone worthy of your deeper truth, then you need take some measured risks in your sharing and vulnerability. After that observe how the intimate thoughts you share and your history is acknowledged, if its met well trust should be rewarded.
If you don’t award trust and you don’t create intimacy you’ll never know the gift and blessing of feeling accepted and loved to your depth. I get that it’s scary and that it’s risky but if you don’t move towards the roar of the lion you won’t gain the fulfillment that’s possible.
The opportunity:
What percentage of intimacy are you actually operating at with the key relationships you have?
What are some of your inner thoughts you shame yourself for thinking?
Does anyone really know who you are?
What is the cost when you withhold and inhibit the creation of intimacy?