I talked about letting people into your inner world when they’ve earned it and how that dynamic works recently in this blog. And in this blog I want to offer this added complexity by explaining that this whole intimacy thing is a two way street.
The one part is that we let people in. We let them know deeper parts of us. We’re vulnerable and we open up after trust is earned and granted. It’s scary, it’s exhilarating, and it’s one of the most wonderful things we can experience.
I want you to think about this now…
Are you willing be shown the deeper parts of the people in your life?
Are you willing to face the facts and reality of people’s true selves?
How about their past?
And the part of their world that has nothing to do with you?
Do you create an environment that’s conducive to them showing themselves to you?
This is the other side of the street that I’m talking about and it’s just as scary, if not even more. All your rules for how people are supposed to fit and be may or may not be real.
Will all those conceptualizations of yours and the other person fit?
Do you want them to be something other than what they truly are?
I know from experience that I’ve failed to do this throughout my life. I wanted to see what I wanted to see in people. Some good, some bad. I didn’t let them be who they are but instead I forced them to fit my concepts. I wanted to be in control of how things all fit together. I was unwilling to be curious about who they were and wasn’t willing to find out what I could be learned beyond my assumptions and preconceived notions from titles of positions.
I offer this so that you can begin to learn about who your parents really are. So you can allow your children to be as they are and not how you think or want them to be.
Who are these people we call brothers and sisters? And maybe the richest opportunity is the people we have intimate sexual relationships with. Our love, unfortunately, comes with so many expectations and assumptions. All of them relating back to our inner map and imprinting from childhood.
In our minds we often have fully formed ideas of what a “sister” is, what a “friend” is, a “mom”, or “dad”.
What is a “lover” supposed to be?
And how do we manage the disappointment when our world of expectations with our relationships just doesn’t fit?
This is life, my friends. This is the spectrum of the love/connection need. Knowing and being known.
The opportunity:
Ask yourself all these questions, first directed at yourself and then with as many of your close relationships and you have the courage to do.