Trauma, trauma, trauma… first off, what is it? We have so many working examples and models today. Is it from being deployed in a war torn corner of the world, seeing/participating in things that tears your heart and soul? Soul wounds? Childhood experiences of violence or sexual misconduct?
Trauma is subjective snd relative, meaning, it’s different for everyone. We think things are supposed to be a certain way and it repeatedly isn’t until there’s a rupture in our reality.
When we experience trauma, no matter how old we are, and because we’re social animals, it’s nice to have someone there for us to hold our hand, provide an ear, or a shoulder to cry on. We need to be soothed and to have a soft place to lay our head and get our mind wrapped around the situation.
This happens less than it ought to and we’re left trying to figure out how to cope. How do we regulate ourselves when we become dis-regulated? Especially when we’re younger and don’t have a solid practice of putting our shit back in one sock and pulling it together!
We use what we can to distract ourselves. I know I did. I tried to not feel or I tried to feel something else other than the discomfort. What would have been good would have been to do that temporarily and then when possible to face the issues and work my way through it.
Another thing we do it use someone else’s solidity and gravity to anchor ourselves. This is done well as children. We learn to co-regulate off of someone who is healthy and regulated unless no one is around to do that so… we’re left flapping in the breeze. This carries throughout our lives and we become co-dependent when that is coupled with believing that we’re inferior or less than too. Basically we need someone to help us feel better and we put up with dysfunction and various misconduct because we fear we can’t/won’t find anything healthier.
Since I know you’re wondering, the solution is known as auto-regulation. It’s not very sexy and we don’t get to experience that *I can’t live without you!* feeling as much but it sure is freeing and liberating to be able to use practices designed to chill out and feel “okay”.
This is done with meditation, breathing exercises, or going for a walk. Being in the stimulated state and utilizing the bare minimum of distraction to be in the sweet spot of feeling it and walking our way through the series of sensations back to a peaceful, relaxed state of being. (It requires practice.)
The opportunity:
Who throughout your life have you leaned on to co-regulate in challenging situations?
Where are you co-dependent in your relationships?
What can you do to find that sweet spot of someone distracted enough to take the edge off but still face the negative sensations that you’re feeling in your being?
Are you willing to commit to do that and make a practice of that for a week? A month? Year? A lifetime? To see if you can create an automatic response to uncomfortable situations.
Thanks for your time, have a great day!